Baron Friedrich von Glower - The Diary
by ClynicalBrat
Summary: The title says it all. Friedrich's thought, memories, reflections...certainly has some gay thematics, but I prefer emotions to graphic descriptions so it's only PG13.
1. Entry - 1

Disclaimer: This is an alternative retelling of the story told from von Glower's point of view. This is a diary, so there are things which are skipped, or other way aroun, depicted in more details. Also it has some touches of a prequel and a sequel to it, because it covers the events that took place a long while before the acual story, and probably after.(yes, I plan to keep Friedrich alive.)  
  
Those wonderful characters do not belong to me and I don't make any profit of using them. I just allow my fantasy to play with them a little, so I borrow them from Jane Jensen and the owners of the game for a while..I'll bring them back!  
  
P.S.: I am native russian and english is my third language so please forgive me for any possible stylistic or grammatical mistakes.  
  
  
  
Baron Friedrich von Glower.  
  
The Diary.  
  
October. 7'th.  
  
The autumn is finally here. I didn't manage to make a single entry in this old notebook of mine for quite a long while, and it almost got lost in the pile of notes and buisiness papers which overflow my cabinet. But somehow, today I've had quite a strange desire to address myself again to this imaginary confessor and conversation companion. After all I have no other to take it's place.  
  
I've been walking down the alley, near the square in Perlach, which follows the beautifull boulevard straight to my house and watched those withered leafs covering the ground before me. The sad and touching image of the fall, when the sky gets grey and the wind brings this unforgettable scent of the north, of the upcoming winter. The upcoming winter.The winter is already here with me. As it's been for such a long time. It's right here, inside my heart..a winter that will see no spring. There's no fluffy snowflakes, or christmas carrols, no sense of a little miracle when the snow sparkles under the cold rays of the winter sun, no new year eves.just a white, cold, freezing glacier, which my soul somehow became. It's been such a long time since my life's path was entwined with someone else's. yet, instead of uniting, our souls collided, then as it always happens on the ocassionas like that the weak one should fall, as he did. Oh, Ludwig, that was unfair of you to desert me like this without giving me a slightest chance to explain.Yes, I still remember you my fairytale king, my friend, my love.Still, after all those years. Almost three generations changed since the time you left me, and fled to the oblivion of Death, my thoughts still venture back to those times when we were together, happy and enchanted with each other. Having all the joys of youth ahead of us, or else, that's what we thought. That was a beautiful time, beautiful enough to match your perfection and talent, but cruel enough to destroy your fragile soul and drawn you into the void of insanity. I still wonder if I was really to blame, or if that was fate's hand. I envy you, Ludwing, since I hope and I believe that you're soul's at peace, as I wish mine was.  
  
Loneliness is not as awful as some might think it is. You get used to it as time goes by, and when you're somehow immortal, you've got just enough time to make this feeling one of your usual conditions. I even find some advantages to it - this is really in my nature, to be phylosophical, and try to be contented with life no matter how it comes. But sometimes the "call of the pack" overcomes.and on those moments, even a howl that I can surpress no longer, escaping my throat can't express that cold and painful sensation that squeezes my chest. But thankfully, I'm not the kind of a .should I say being? .that allows oneself to sulk in the darkest corners of one's mind, enjoying one's own depression.  
  
Being free to go anywhere at any time, never being bound to any obligations or duties, always a master to my own desires and caprices - these are the greatests advantages of loneliness, which I tend to cherish. They give me the ability to travel the world, to change so-called love-affairs which the same frequency as I change suits, and not to be responsible..for someone's feelings.never feeling guilty for someone being sad, or going mad.or killing themsleves.  
  
Watching Ludwig withering, sinking in selfdistruction and growing more and more insane, broke a very certain string within my soul, chasing harmony away from my life.Forever.  
  
Strange it is, but after a very long while a certain memory started visiting my nights for some time lately.That was the last time I saw Ludwig. The day he finally and quite adruptly banished me from his life. He was looking sick and the look of his blood stained eyes reminded me of a haunted animal's glance. Feverish, frightened, and hatred..yes, there was hatred, mixed up with pain. He could not forgive me, this I knew. I gave him as much time for reflecting as he wanted, I was not there for him when he was living through the change, and it was according to his own stubborn demand. And for all this time, trying to get myself as far away from him as I could, I still nourished a hope that he will accept his newself, and take me back..as his friend..as his love. But that was not supposed to happen. On that day, (actually the day almost died and the magical twlight was already descending ) I've recieved a most official and cold invitation for an audience with the King. I must admit by then I somhoew forsaw the conversation that followed, but didn't want to accept it.  
  
When I entered, Ludwig didn't even manage look at me.he rose his eyes with heavy and sullen eyelids for a moment as if wanting to meet my searching gaze, but quickly broke the eyecontact. He was afraid and desperate, angry and hurt, I sensed his emotions as my own. Usurely, he sent two lackeys, that gave me a look of repressed contempt, away and the a most unpleasant silence filled the air, making me suffocate with it. That's the most horrifying feeling, when two lovers have nothing more to say to each other.no words of consolation, love, tenderness.they were there in my heart, those words, almost on my tongue, but only one look at his cracked figure, a face strangelly swollen, as if he drank too much, his hands nervously shaking, all those signs of his mental illness sent them back where they came from. He certainly called for me not for the purposeof listening to any romantic verses.  
  
I could not bare seeing him in the state like that any more. I made a step forward, painfully covering those meters betrween us, to embrace him, to give him my shoulder for support and protection, as I always did, since he was much for fragile and delicate than me..but suddenly, when I was about to do so, he thrusted his thin delicate hand forwards and that was so unexpectedlly such a powerful gesture of protest, that I froze.  
  
Ludwig. - I said, willing to find the right words to redeem myself in any way, to find at least a tiny string of understanding between us, but once again he stopped me. I could only wonder what source what he getting the strength from. It was so unlike my Ludwing, to be that firm and determined. He, who could never resist my calling, who was never able to fight with his own fears or desires, so easy to manipulate (the quality I probably overused and was paying for it then), so easilly provoked or brainwashed, was now fighting me, refusing me.It felt weird. It felt painfully scary.  
  
Baron.you have this desired title now. - he said, with his voice, not long ago so soft and charming now sounding hoarse and tired. - Baron Von Glower, I dearly ask you not to forget that I am your king, and to behave along with that statement. Also. - he paused, as if gaining some more strength to continue. - I asked my servants away not for the purpose of achieving some sort of intimicy in our talk, but out of a mere wish to spare you from any humiliation in the eyes of these people. You may take this as my final gift to you, as a sign of an affection.now gone. - His voice broke off, and I felt with every inch of my skin, how hard it was for him to keep up to this official tone that he chose. It was a mask..only.I knew, or I was making myself believe, that i could easilly break his game, but I didn't feel the right to do so. It was is choice, still.  
  
Yes, my lord. As you wish. - That was all I could answer. I even produced a small ironic and bitter bow. He sighed and still avoiding to face me, pronounced :  
  
I wanted to infrom you, that from now on, you are not welcomed in this place, as well as in my country. I demand that you leave as soon as it is possible, and I do not wish to hear from you any more.  
  
If he wished to hurt me, he succeded. That actually did hurt much. Even though I somehow expected to hear something like that. That gentle creature, a feeble soul, so filled with light and kindness actually managed to break my shield of coldness and self-confidence and cause me real pain. I couldn't imagine him actually asking me not to see him ever again.That was too much. I could bear no longer and thrusted myself forwards, grasping his thin weak hand, so soft and delicate, and said :  
  
You don't really mean this Ludwig.you can't just ask me to go, like that! You can't ! You don't want it yourself..you need me, you always did..accept it!And I need you, Ludo..I need you and I love you..Whomever made you think overwise, will pay for it! I know you're angry at me, but I am what i am..and you are as well, a part of me now..as I am a part of you. You just have to learn to accept us as we are.as soon as.. - He didn't let me finish. He looked straight into my eyes, and that burning hateful look, made the words get stuck in my throat. Then, I saw.my Ludwing was driven.insane.just as insane as he could be. His lips cruved and his whole face, so beautiful just few months ago formed a frightening grimace of pain .  
  
Go away.Get out! Leave me be. - he cried out, as if he was going to weep. I drew back from this creature, this living mockery of a fairytale prince he was. I still loved him though.  
  
You betrayed me. - he whined. - everyone does.everyone ever did.and you, you're just like them. Otto von Bissmark might have paid you well, oh, didn't he? You...You are the Devil! And I trusted you..Stay away from me, Satan! - His features became even more gruesome, as he started to move towards me, his steps unsteady, his eyes wet with unshed tears. I backed away from him..as he started to make the cross signs, almost fanatically, trying to drive me away, to shun me , as if he for truth did believe I was the Devil himself. Or maybe I was for him? I didn't know.and I do not know now. But seeing him like this was too much for me. I fled.slamming the door behind myself.I stormed out of the residence, and even though it was raining, I didn't notice it, till I found myself few miles away.  
  
That was the last time i saw him alive. I did try to correspond with him after that unfortunate talk, butall my letters remained unnanswered. Some time after as I sood in the crowd that gave him their respect at his funeral I could not see his face. The coffin was closed, or maybe I stood too far. I don't remember now..I barely remember this day.except that it was gray and cold, and rainy.and everything was in the strange myst.blurred.senseless.All I recall is sadness, emptyness and the feeling of  
  
cold drops of autumn rain brushing my face.sliding down my cheeks.it was autumn as well back then..maybe that's why I recall it so often now? As I walked down the park, all this once again came back to me as i asked myself, if I have the right to experiment once again..to give a chance to someone else? I fear so much, to see that same spark of hatred and insanity in someone else's eyes.  
  
I believe I've ventured too far into the past.I must finish now, since there's a meeting at the club which I do not want to miss.I believe I will introduce Garr to the others tonight.  
  
  
  
  
  
To be continued. 


	2. Entry - 2

October 14'th.  
  
  
  
The full moon died now. The change was less painfull than few times before, and the time I spent in my wolf form was the most amazing. I always enjoyed it so much. Even though I rarely allow myself to change completely. I always stay in control of my mind, letting the wolf nature to take over only of my body and instincts. There's nothing more exciting and overwhelming than the heat and speed of the chase, when there's just nightwind, the forest, the soft ground covered with withered leafs under my fast paws and the scent of the prey's fear, as i approach it with the eternal question "I am Death, are you ready to go?".Nothing really thrills just as much, yet, probably sharing this sensation with someone would..  
  
I've never hunted in company. My father who was a werewolf as well, which makes me a naturally born werewolf, (and a true Alpha), was hunted out by one of the Ritter family and burned. I remember my mother hurriedly taking me away, to prevent me from observing my father's horrible death, that came for him in the deadly heat of the execution fire. He died before I actually realized that I have this in me, the very same curse that he was condemned and executed for, by humankind. I was too young to understand his crimes, and theremore to master the power that was in me. And of course being dead, he could not be there with me to guide me through the most strange and unknown world that opened before my eyes, yet so innocent and unprepared, when I found out what i was for the first time.  
  
I felt strangely sick, when I was about 12.I don't remember much, but the feverish fire that was tormenting my body and my mind, making me scream in agony. Mother was terryfied, probably by my condition, but more likely, because she forsaw what was about to follow.  
  
I remember everything that happened some time after quite vaguely.I watched the colours shange, everything becoming more bright, contrast, vibrating, shimmering in red.the sounds, the scents, everything astoundingly vivid and strong. And then, I was running through the nearby woods, a young cub, clumsy and uncertain , but free and wild. It's strange that I actually survived without any guidance or tutorage, but to my luck I did.and I've been somehow a most happy child. Thank God, our little house(no comparison to the old mansion we inhabited when father was alive) was situated on the very edge of the village, almost out of it, and somehow the forest started right outside our backyard. I spent hours in the sanctuary of the woods, running and playing, lost in a whirl of my fantasies and excited by the way everything seemed so alive to me in my wolf form..everything replied, and was interacting with me, each tree or flower. I never thought that my change was to be something out of the ordinary. While the young wolf was running through the wood, the boy's hand would reach for the berry that grew too high for an animal. It was so easy.and so good to feel those two sides of myself being united in harmony. I indeed was quite happy, before I started realizing things that I shouldn't have. Mother avoided to talk about my nature, but what made a first scar in my heart, was her barely hidden fear and reluctance to hug me as she usually did before my first change, when I was coming back home after my journeys to the woods in the wolf form. Seemed like she was afraid of me.and It felt so painfully strange. The first time someone's inner fear made me feel rejected and hurt, and that was a beginning for many more expiriences like this one.The irony, was that it was my mother, who started this sad tradition.  
  
And then, as I grew older and was sent to Munich to study, the realisation of how things were for truth fell upon me. I was young and hopefull, filled with joy,like any other young men in the school, and then in the university, and yet utterly different. I was quite communicative and friendly by nature, so I never expirienced a lack of pals, whom I used to call friends, but as time went, more and more I felt the wall that separated us. Ad this wall was my secret, that changed from my pleasant self into something shameful and almost sinful, that I needed to hide from anyone. I felt trapped like an animal in a cage that the city of stone and coldhearted people became to me. There were no forests for me to escape to, no places peaceful and lonely enough to let myself change and wander freely, enjoying the hunt and the freedom. And then I found out that not changing for a long time, makes me ache.makes me grow tense and agressive. Makes me loose control at times..Now I've learned to master my instincts and desires to aa level i would almost call perfect, but then, I actually was not even familiar with the conflict. By that time I haven't yet killed.a human being.  
  
Like all youths, I didn't py attention to time passing by, untill my mother died. Silently and peacefully, as they said, in a dream. I was out of the university by that time, and quite busy, being enchanted with the capital's nightlife, music, operahouses, poilitics.I was willingly rushing myself into anything new, enticed by the amazing sensations of vice, way too much, not even to come to her at her dying hour. I felt the guilt for this, many years later. But yet, this loss made me actually realize I was utternly alone from this time on. And then, there came the call of the pack.  
  
This , I suppose is the natural feeling of all wolves and therefore the halflings like myself. We long for company, or to say more precisely for a single companion, a mate, a partner.Somehow, I've browsed through quite a lot of the books that were referring to my own kind, and haven't yet meeting anyone like my own self, I already knew quite a lot about what I was, and sincerely saying, I didn't find myself just as awful and cruel as the books depicted us. And that's why I knew that this cold and empty feeling, a teasing ache, a growing depression were the first sign of the call of the pack. The desire not to be alone any longer, that actually doesn't come to werewolves only, but is quite frequent to all living beings . And that's where I enoucntered the greatest problem there is for me. I've been dating many young and quite respectful ladies of high society, never being very much in love, but at least being quite infatuated. They all were so fragile and well mannered.I liked being near them, but i could never imagine them in wolf-form by my side.more likely I could see them fainting only hearing me confiding about my true double-sided self.  
  
Being a young man I was I still found pleasure in everything I share with those young flowers, but.as time passed, and I actually realized that after reaching the age of full maturity, time has stopped for me, my thoughts grew darker and gloomier from year to year.  
  
As I read through those pages, now all covered with those black lines, dots, digits, caught from the void of my past, by my hand, I wonder if this dirary is turning into my memoirs. Probably I should publish it one day? I wonder what stage of my life I am heading to, if I have that sudden and unresistable urge to observe my whole life, and to look back on all those events of the past.  
  
Finally returning to nowadays, I must say that this idea with the Hunters Lodge was quite a good one of mine.Gathering all those fine people together, at least gives me a chance to spend a nice evening among people, who match my interests and who share my phylosophy at least in some way.and Garr seems to be the brightest of them. Yes, quite snobbish and morose at times, but he's so wonderfully perfect at everything he does. He posesses that amazing self-confidence and strength, that is so rarely encountered among people now.I like him, yes, I definitely do. He is an interesting conversation companion, and quite a partner I might say..probably he's the one? 


End file.
